Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
