the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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