I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Randomize
