i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
