I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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