My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
