Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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