dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
FUCK WHALES
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