Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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