Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
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