During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
