just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Can you bring me the toilet please
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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