i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
