ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
