dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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