you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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