i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
