nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
