i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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