May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
