I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
