Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
