Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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