You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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