one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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