...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Randomize