i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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