I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
