sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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