bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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