Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
