Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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