Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
