He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I feel like death gave me a hand job
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
