I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
