I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
