I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
