Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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