I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
