DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
