I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
