can we get nightvision for the apartment?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
