The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
