somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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