we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
