If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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