I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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