You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize
