and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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