Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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