This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
