I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Randomize
