can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
