I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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