The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
