She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
