dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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