i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Randomize
